November 6, 2002
25 cents cheap
Westborough Schools Awash in Heroin!
A Reliable Source
Horrifying as it may seem, reputable sources assert that the entire student population of the town of Westborough is involved in a disgusting orgy of drug use, and there's nothing we can do about it. According to a booklet found in the guidance office, heroin is a bad white powder that good kids should really stay away from, no kidding. So don't do it.
How could this tragic circumstance have come about? What led these poor innocent children to such miserable circumstance?
Research teams are working 'round the clock to figure out this tragedy.
At least I think so. I'm not sure, I didn't get to read the actual article, just the headline.
Stone Walls Leak
Noted architect and building inspector Gwen Middler has declared this ancient
stone castle to be an enviornmental threat and unfit for human habitation.
In a public exposition it was revealed to be riddled with vermin, flying rodents,
insects, monotonal Danes, and red glowing monsters in evening dress that could be seen through walls.
"This is not proper," declared the feisty Ms. Middler, "And I'm not going to stand for it!" she asserted, promptly sitting down.
The stone edifice was first built in another realm of reality with the optimistic
ambition of providing a home for disturbed souls in need of succor. but the only succor was the major investor
who ws bilked out of thousands for this dump. It was finally burned to the ground by a bunch of enraged villagers
waving torches and... no wait, that was the Frankenstein story. Wrong castle. I think this one got recycled.
New Shoulder Throw Sets Fashion Trend
A Fetching Model
The latest trend in SeniorWear is the casual shoulder drape. Shoulder drapes were invented by the crafty Cookie Moore,
an American Folk Arts Artist of local renown who has knitted enough wool to denude Australia.
Mrs. Moore is shown here wearing the thermal beige model which is designed for extra comfort on cold winter social events,
providing much more warmth than, say, a Dickensonian muff.
The selection of fabrics available make it possible for shoulder throws to fit nicely into events from Hawaiian luaus,
through opera openings to a back-yard ho-down and greased-pig contest.
In the version modeled by Mrs. Moor, we see the optional towel enhancement. As Douglas Adams pointed out, one should
never travel without a towel. Handy for all social occasions from an occasional spill to having a football team dump a
barrel of Gator-Aide over your head.
Spirituality and Sensitivity
Not to be outdone by her maternal grandmother, the young slam-dancer and
conceptual artist (that means she only thinks about making art) known only as Ju'wana declared that she could
start a fashion trend just as quickly.
"A great head bow," she states, "in your favorite color (colour for British people)
expresses both the mood and the expansiveness of your spiratual aura, declaring to the non-sensing world, "I am spiritually enlarged!
I am a big thinker."
The near-matching dental glove she describes as a symbol of the union between the
expressed thought and the intellectualized thought. Both share the same telos, yet each has it's individual shading, reflecting the never-perfect harmony of being.
The dangling ear tag serves the important role of allowing kind strangers to help the
sensitve soul to find her way back home when it is time for medication.