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Westborough, MA
Yes, Mrs. Winona Pamona is going to be a fork lift driver in a local wholesale club. On the eve of her 87th birthday, (Ok, it's not for three months yet) this grandmother of five has applied for the exacting job of Fork Lift Truck Driver, picking pallets of shopping goods from high overhead racks and delivering them to needed locations. Driving a forklift is an exacting and dangerous task, especially in a wholesale club environment where consumers are milling about and totally oblivious to safety issues. "They don't bother me," quipped the plucky senior, "I'll just beep at 'em with this hockey air-horn and they'll go runnin', you betcha." Of course the training period will take a few weeks before she is fully certified, but as you can see from this photo of her early coursework in the fork-lift trainer, she's well on her way.|
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Worcester, MA
Scientists now have a new model of the construction of the world, and it's a lot more complicated than was previously thought. Prior theories on the shape of the world have ranged from an infinite flat plain to, of all things, a Ball. Can you imagine? A Ball! What a silly idea! How could people avoid falling off of a ball?
Until recently, the consensus of learned authority was that the world was really a golden disc, on the back of four mighty elephants which in turn stood upon the back of a Giant Tortoise. Several droll British novels have been written on the subject.
However new finding has been found and an artist has put together a composite of the most recent research. In this newer model, by means of a simple inversion, there is only one elephant needed, along with a variety of other fauna, creating the entire menagerie of support. Also, there is no more need for a tortoise. That was a dumb idea, anyway. The world is still a golden disc, as we all know, but our model artist used a circle of glass as we were too cheap to actually trust him, or you, with that much money.
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Seedy Swamp, Northhampton
The screaming and the blood-curdling loss of limb snapped this idyllic nature-lover's retreat back into the harsh reality of modern life when a major water thoroughfare was turned into a cheap horror movie set by the massive collision of wild, rampant canoes smashing into each other in one of the worst waterway pile-ups in recorded history.
Wild drunken canoers went careening out of control on this major waterway, smashing into each other at high speed and setting off chain reactions of collisions that wreaked havoc on commercial vehicles and family conveyances alike.
The sky was darkened with clouds of smoke from the flames guttering forth from the twisted wreckage while the cries of the dead and injured tore at the hearts of onlookers. The flow of the river had to be stopped for seven hours while emergency workers toiled to undo the damage and rescue the survivors even as more and more new victims piled into the wreckage.
It was awful.